How Could I Ever Know
by DeniseV
Summary: There be angst ahead. Fair warning. Bring tissues. Missing scene for The Tao of Rodney. Slash. Have I mentioned how much I appreciate You Tube? And how much I don't appreciate the SciFi channel?


"You need to listen."

"No."

"John, I need you to listen."

"Rodney, nothing's going to happen. You'll find something to fix this. You're super, super-duper genius now."

"Denial is not attractive on you. And it's unfair to me."

John Sheppard turned to look at his lover. "And the alternative is unfair to me."

Rodney McKay stepped up to his best friend. His lover. His world. "We owe it to each other to face this." Sheppard kept his head down, as though avoiding looking at Rodney would keep him from ever having to chance a look at him for the last time. "I need you to listen to something."

John looked up, finally, his eyes, his entire being refusing to go where McKay insisted that he needed to.

"I can't listen to this. I cannot talk about you as if…" Rodney broke in.

"No talk. Just listen. I want you to listen to something that says everything that we need to say. But we don't have to say it." John looked away again. "Please, John. Please let's try to do what we can. For each other. Listen. Okay?"

McKay walked over to his personal belongings, the small stash of important stuff that he brought with him when they'd moved in together. He pulled out a CD. It was unusual to see what was, for McKay anyway, an outdated object. Rodney had long since moved on to the latest technology, not that he spent much time listening to music these days. But Sheppard had noticed where Rodney had kept this CD, close to other items that were near and dear to the man: a picture of he and Jeannie as kids, a birthday card from Madison, the Christmas card that John had given him on their six month anniversary, the depleted personal shield that John had retrieved from Peter Grodin. A lifetime ago. Whatever was on this CD meant something to him. And if it meant so much to Rodney to have John hear it now, at this crossroads in their life, so close to McKay's end of existence…

How could this have happened?

John Sheppard cocked his head, looked into the eyes of the man he loved and asked, "This is going to hurt, isn't it?" He choked out the last couple of words.

Rodney placed his arms around the Air Force colonel. He hugged him tight, feeling the tension, the tension that could find no release, not now, not at this moment. Dr. Rodney McKay had watched Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard continue to avoid the inevitable worst case scenario that seemed ever closer to being real. He was master of avoidance, it seemed. McKay had talked to Beckett about it, had told his friend that John would need help. Carson had assured Rodney that he would watch over the colonel, while at the same time urging him not to give up, despite the bleak odds. It was funny how his physician and friend and the most compassionate person he knew had been able to handle the discussion, where the strong, fearless Air Force officer could not.

"At first, and for a while." Rodney kissed John's ear, and then his cheek. He stayed close, cheek to cheek, and added, "I love you. Always remember that." Rodney pulled away and placed the CD in his notebook computer. He selected track thirty-five, and John listened.

How could I know I would have to leave you?

How could I know I would hurt you so?

You were the one I was born

To love

Oh, how could I ever know?

How could I ever know?

How can I say to go on without me?

How, when I know you still need me so?

How can I say not to dream about me?

How could I ever know?

How could I ever know?

Forgive me, can you forgive me?

And hold me in your heart?

And find some new way to love me

Now that we're apart?

How could I know I would never hold you?

Never again in this world?

But, oh

Sure as you breathe

I am there inside you

How could I ever know?

How could I ever know?

John Sheppard broke down and cried. His despair was unbearable. Rodney held him close and let his love cry out his anguish, hugging and rocking him slowly as they stood in the middle of their room. This was as close to torture as a man could get without physical pain. Rodney's heart broke at the strong man in his arms. They never spoke much about their love…why would they need to when they felt it so deeply? The thought of not having it hurt more than any physical pain ever could.

It was the worst kind of torture.

So Rodney comforted and John cried. The scientist had hit the pause button earlier; the rest of the CD held a pretty emotional wallop for McKay, and he needed, in this moment, to stay strong for John. He couldn't allow the beauty of the finale to take him over the top emotionally right now.

Jeannie had sent him the CD many years before, years before they had lost contact for those four years. Now it seemed eerily prescient of her. Had she predicted that he would need this to get through what he was going through now? Possibly. He had been lucky in his life to have met and known such very wise women.

John hiccupped and the sobs slowed. He finally eked out, "Why? Why, Rodney?"

McKay hugged him close and said, "There's no point to that." He pulled back and wiped the tears from John's face. Rodney kissed the forehead and then he lightly kissed those familiar lips. And then he said, "I'm not giving up, but I needed to know that you understood. Really understood. If the worst thing happens, now or the next time, I needed you to know in here," he pointed to John's heart, "and in here," he added, tapping lovingly on the side of John's head, "what's in my heart. How we feel about each other will help us survive the other's loss. It'll hurt, I'm not sayin' it won't. But you can, you need to go on."

McKay stepped back. Sheppard looked somehow better, though Rodney guessed that for John, that was all relative.

"Are you okay?" McKay asked.

"No," John answered honestly as he pulled Rodney back into a tight embrace. "I will be," he mumbled into his lover's shoulder. "I wanna be…for you."

Rodney nodded his understanding and squeezed back. He stepped away once again, took hold of the headset monitor that they'd been using to check his EEG readings and asked, "How about we try it again?"

The End.

* * *

Author's note: The song, "How Could I Ever Know" is the very moving showstopper near the finale of the beautiful musical version of "The Secret Garden", based on the well-loved children's book by Frances Hodgson Burnett. The book and lyrics by Marsha Norman and the haunting music by Lucy Simon (Carly's sister) is a wonder of drama and humor. It's awesomely touching. These are some wise and brilliant women.

The original Broadway cast recording includes many show stopping performances, but this one, with the glorious Rebecca Luker as Lily and Mandy Patinkin as Archibold, well, it makes me cry.

This recording also features the Tony Award winning performance of Daisy Eagan as Mary Lennox. She was eleven years old when she played this role…I think it's one of the best performances of a child actor ever recorded.

So, I use these lyrics without permission and I hope that I don't get sued! DeniseV


End file.
